Mrs Dalloway and The Hours – comparing paragraphs

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Clarity, economy and sophistication. These are the goals of editing when Advanced English students are seeking to improve drafted paragraphs.

Consider this sample body paragraph:

Screen Shot 2016-05-16 at 2.28.23 pm

Marker feedback included these suggestions:

  • topic sentence could be more specific
  • statement ‘directed by Stephen Daldry’ would be in the introduction
  • reduce unnecessary words to improve clarity
  • how are these ideas actually revealed? Include film metalanguage
  • syntax error: ‘only is’ should be ‘is only’
  • be positive – aim for a focus on what is there, rather than the negative – what is not there

Read this paragraph aloud and identify the changes. Is the meaning more clear?

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 8.05.13 pm

Read a complete sample response for Advanced English Module A Elective 1: Mrs Dalloway and The Hours on the Cambridge Education website.

 

*image from http://quotesjazz.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/movie-quote-hours.html

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